Asexuals are not Broken

It feels weird being asexual, like I don’t belong anywhere. The LGBTQ+ community sometimes shuns us saying we’re just straight, cis people who don’t have sex. That we’re celibate, not an orientation.

But I’ve heard from fellow aces about corrective rape to fix their asexuality. I’ve heard from fellow aces about “giving in” to non-ace partners and having sex when they don’t want to.

Nobody should be forced to have sex if they choose not to. Nobody deserves to be degraded or shamed because of not wanting sex. Nobody deserves to force themselves to perform sexual acts just to keep a partner. It’s demeaning and takes away dignity. It creates shame.

It needs to stop.

Asexuality should be a part of the LGBTQ+ community as we are a sexual orientation and need a community. We aren’t broken.

We’re not cis hetero people invading the LGBTQ+ community. Even if we’re romantically attracted to the opposite sex, Asexuals are still part of the community. Romantic attraction is not sexual attraction. It is not an orientation and does not negate an ace’s representation in the LGBTQ+ community. We are a valid orientation that deserves representation.

Asexuals don’t experience sexual attraction. Some aces avoid sex all together. Some aces are sex positive and will have it. But we still do not experience sexual attraction, which makes us a valid sexual orientation.

I wish there were more aces in my area. I know they’re out there, but most of the time we just feel broken and hide. We believe it’s our fault that relationships fail because of the lack of sex. We believe we’re doomed to be alone because this culture is so saturated with sex and pursuing it. The culture has defined love and closeness as the act of sex.

This is not true at all and I wish there was more understanding around this.

Sex is so intertwined with love, most Aces feel alone and unloved. Can’t have sex, then you’re unable to love. Which is so far from the truth.

Sex does not equal love. Sex is an expression of love, just like being affectionate.

And being close to your partner. For me, love is expressed through closeness and kindness and just holding someone close. I can love someone deeply without having sex with them and still call it a partnership. Physical affection, emotional closeness, intellectual connections, joint interests, all of these tie into love, not just sex.

So why are Asexuals viewed as “broken”? Why can’t we have love too?

We are not broken. And we can love someone fully without sex, a deep love.

Asexuality is a valid orientation. It is not celibacy. It is not a hormonal imbalance. There is no “fixing” an asexual as there is nothing to fix. Just like someone is gay, bi, pan, or hetero, sexuality defines an identity and is not something that is a chosen identity. It is a core part of a person, something they are born with and makes them a whole person.

So why is the lack of sexual attraction not viewed as a valid orientation? It involves sexual attraction in its absence. Sexuality is in full force with Asexuals by not existing. It speaks louder in its absence, is more present by being non-present. And is a core identity of a person.

We are not a hidden orientation. We deserve love and companionship and affection and everything that comes with human relationships.

Sex is not love. It can be an expression of love, but it is not love.

Asexuals like me can offer so much love and companionship, just like anyone else. We are valid.

Photos by Unsplash:

Kirsty Lee

Fabrizio Verrecchia

Isaac Ordaz

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