Time to Come Out

Asexual Flag

I am almost 40 years old. All my life I never really questioned my sexuality. I mean, I’m pro LGBT+ but I just recently found out there’s more that fits under that big umbrella.

What I mean is, throughout my life, I’ve never been interested in sex. Sure, I can get turned on and I can have sex. But it was never a driving force in my life.

I’ve had many relationships in my life. And throughout all of them I always valued romance and love—the closeness that comes with love, like cuddling and holding hands and embracing each other—more than I valued the physical act of sex. In fact, sex somewhat disgusted me!

I had sex with my partners more for their pleasure than for mine. I was indifferent to sex. It was something the person I loved wanted and it made them happy so, I gave it to them.

Many people look back and consider this a form of rape. I completely disagree. I was consenting to sex each time I had it. Just because I wasn’t thrilled and having my mind blown doesn’t mean I was being raped. Calm down. Chill out. I consented and enjoyed each and every time.

And this is what I look back on to figure out my sexuality.

Asexuality is defined as the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity.

But I branch out from that definition. For instance, I am married to my beautiful wife. I am attracted to her but not in a sexual way. I love her mind, her voice, her opinions, the little hops she makes when she walks, the fact that she makes two cups of tea as a default.

My wife is polyamorous because I am Asexual. I wanted to stay with her but not subject her to a sexless marriage. She has a boyfriend. But more importantly, I have someone who I love more than anyone in the world.

Here’s the thing: I didn’t want to be polyamorous. I was monogamous to my wife. Then, because I am asexual, I found I could expand my love to more than one person. And she is astounding. I love every aspect of her.

She, truly, opened my heart and showed me what love is.

So how does this tie into my asexuality? It proves to me that Asexuals are not broken. We can experience love and emotion and feelings that go with human intimacy without having sex. So many people seem to think that because someone is not having sex, they are not emotionally fulfilled. And that is bollocks. Sex is the action. The emotion of love is universal.

Also, the Asexual community gets grief from from LGBTQ+ groups. Apparently, if we’re cis and heteronormative, we have no place in queer spaces. The argument being that we’re just straight people not having sex.

I disagree with this point of view. I think Asexuals should be welcomed and allowed into LGBTQ+ spaces as harassment and overall shaming takes place for those not having sex.

When a guy is insulted, his virginity is called into question. If he’s a virgin, he’s weak. He’s less than all the other males. There is something wrong with him.

If he’s not a virgin, then he’s hailed as a stud and placed into a position of power granted by the act of sex.

I bring this up because we live in a highly sexualized world. There’s no escaping it. It’s ingrained in the LGBTQ+ as well as in normal society. Let’s face it, people are having sex.

It’s the meaning we ascribe to the act that gives it power. For instance, in Michel Foucault’s History of Sexuality , he attempts to find the meaning in identity through sexuality. But when one has no sexuality, a null space, that identity begins to shatter. Sex gives us an identity. I am attracted to this gender or that gender. This provides me an identity.

But what happens when there is no sexual attraction?

Doesn’t look like anything to me

This is why Asexuals need to be included in the LGBTQ+ Community. We are more than just people who don’t want to have sex (some of us are sex positive). This is about identity and how we establish that identity. I call upon all the LGBTQ+ Communities to include Asexuals. We are an identity and are just as important as anyone else.

As for the rest, I finally found my identity. What had been confusing me for so many decades. When I discovered my asexuality, I read a couple books that helped me out.

The Invisible Orientation

by Julie Sondra Decker

This book really helped out. It’s written in a straight forward language, analyzing asexuality and attempting to make it more visible.

There aren’t many books out there about Asexuality. The prime source for information about Asexuality is The Asexual Visibility and Education Network or AVEN.

I’m new to this. It hasn’t even been a year since I discovered my orientation. I’m still learning and confusing myself.

I am Asexual. I am not broken. I can still love.

If you have any questions, please ask.

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